Monday, June 09, 2008
Friday, December 08, 2006
I have this turkey in the freezer and I posted a bulletin on myspace asking wtf I should do with it. You're probably wondering why I don't eat it and it's because it's been in our freezer for 3 years and before that it was in Aubrey's mom's freezer for no telling how long and before that the neighbor could have had it. I don't want to cook it just to cut it and have it crack open like the fucking Delorian on Back the Future. Anyway, people responded with shit like "cook it and eat it" and I'm like NO and other stuff like, "take it to the homeless shelter" and well that was it. I'm not going to eat it and I didn't know if the homeless shelter had some kind of secretary sitting at an antique mohagany desk when you walked into the front door taking unwanted 100 year old turkeys. Maybe she's sitting there in black high heels and pantihose and a tight black miniskirt with FUCK ME written on her forehead. More power to her when she works at a homeless shelter. Aubrey and I just wanted to drive by and throw it at some people leaving the civic center after the ending of Hairspray.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
There's no need to talk about my present. Let's talk about my past. Because I have many tales to tell. Hmmm... let's see.
There is proof that there live inbreeders in other places besides the South. Missouri, aamof. And to continue, my ex-husband is one of them. Of course, to be an inbreeder, you'd have to actually breed, but in this case, WHO FUCKING CARES. He was fucking his first cousin.
Yep. He told me about his first-cousin, Martha or whatever... fuck I don't remember her name. Martha sounds good. Anyway, Martha and the ex-hubby lived together for two years in a motel room along with her jobless drinkin ass. And in turn, he drank a SHITLOAD (I'll get back to that later) so there he goes fucking his cousin in a motel room for two years probably every day, every night, in the bed, the couch, the shower, during a football game eating corn chips and drinkin Jack and a Miller Light. On top of the god damn dishwasher... whatever the fuck. She was probably all like, "AHHH AHHH AHH FUCK ME WITH YOUR BIG FAT COCK!" and he was like "OOHHH YEAH BABY COUSIN FUCKING IS THE BEST FUCKING!" or whatever. Btw, he didn't have a big, fat cock. But she would know.
His... I mean THEIR family completely disowned the both of them. Did I mention that he was 21 and she was 42? Not only is she a cousin molester, she's a fuckin child molester, too.
What's worse is that he tells me this before we are to be married. Of course, I was in love of all places and couldn't pull that arrow out of my dumb ass. DUH! You're about to marry a COUSIN FUCKER for Jesus' sake! Throw that shit in the dumpster. But, I didn't. We married that December and was just shy of being disowned myself. Not really. It doesn't matter that I married a nasty cousin-lickin motherfucker that when I came home, he would have a trail of beer bottles from the kitchen counter all the way upstairs into the bedroom where he would be downing a few more and listening to George Thoroughgood's, "I Drink Alone"; what matters is that I threw that trash out a long time ago and found me a good man that's never fucked his cousin.
Monday, August 28, 2006
It's A Privilege
When I was 18, I wrote "PSYCHO" in huge letters on the back shield of my Sunfire with one of those shoe polish markers. That's what they were before they started marketing them as window markers. That's exactly what happened when people started using a 99c tube of super glue for deep cuts instead of stitches. Now they market "Liquid Stitch". I'm sure that 99c instantly morphed into 5-7$.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
I totally screwed up my blog back in February and I've been meandering in Myspaceland, but I'm back and I'm due in like TWO WEEKS! Aubrey and I are very excited and hopefully, this won't turn into a mommy blog, but who knows... This may be the only place where I can dump words such as FUCK, ASS, SHIT, and CUNT without "anyone" hearing it. I never say cunt, by the way.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Smells Like Children.
Everyone I've spoken to is pretty excited. I think Aubrey is more excited than anyone...sometimes I wish that HE was the one having to go through this! Aubrey's dad, on the other hand, had a pretty lame response...
Dear Aubrey and Danielle,
That response is actually a great one compared to the one that Aubrey thought he was gonna get. He thought maybe his dad was gonna be like, "Son, I don't think you're quite ready to have children yet." I mean, just the other week, his dad was like, "Son, I'm glad you're finally getting out on your own and making your own decisions." Aubrey about fell out of his chair. He has been taking care of his mom and brother (cooking, cleaning, taking care of yard and maintenance work) for years because his dad has always been 12 hours away working as a field engineer. "Son, I think you need to finish college and become an engineer (like me)." Eh...
Anyway, everything is fine so far... this doesn't mean I'm falling under the spell of the Mommy Bloggers... no yet, anyway :P
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Adventures in New Year's Eve Land (whoever doesn't read this is a fucking retard).
The top picture is of Aubrey holding a bottle of Jack and a bottle of V8 of which was SUPPOSED to help him from getting too fucked up. It didn't work. The middle picture is me, right after taking a shot of Jack, and I guess I don't have to explain the last one.
The night started off just great. There were the six of us: me, Aubrey, Jim, Rachel, Chris, and Eddie. We had a case of Natural Ice (Hey, we usually buy the darkest beer for Aubrey and I, but if we were going to feed everyone, we'd have to get the cheap stuff), a bottle of champagne left over from our wedding, a bottle of Jack, some smoke, and a nice fire. Everyone was jumping around, dancing, talking, laughing, and I was screaming everytime Aubrey and Chris through a stickless bottle rocket into the fire. We also heard a bomb go off a few houses down. No shit. We saw the white flash and it was LOUD (probably oxygen). I had as much to drink as anyone there, except Eddie... he doesn't drink. When it was time, we passed the bottle of champagne around and Jim even shook it up and the shit sprayed all over us. This is when everything started turning upside down.
I asked Aubrey how much a radio station would cost to run a month. I was expecting that it was quite expensive. I shouldn't have asked. Aubrey starts blabbing about how I crushed his dreams by telling him a while back that he annoyed me everytime he spoke about building sailboats. I just found it annoying because he's the type that when he gets an idea into his head, he doesn't stop talking about it. As-a-matter-of-fact, whenever he cruises the net, it's either to check his account balance or look up anything boats. I started getting extremely upset because for 1.) It was only a simple fucking question and 2.) I didn't know how much of a pain I had cause Aubrey by telling him that he was getting a bit annoying talking about boats all the damn time. Even so, I haven't heard him talk about boats since I had told him this. I even wanted to buy him a book about sailboats for Christmas, but bought him a soup recipe book and a book about John Lennon instead.
I guess he figured that he was going to sleep outside by the fire because of the monstronsities that were thrown at him after the fact of telling me "why can you talk about YOUR dreams, when I cannot." It was only a fucking question, but to him, it struck something that he had been meaning to express only when he was drunk enough to. I saw him leave to walk down the street. I figured he was just going to take a short walk, but after he was gone for a little while, I started to remember the last time something like this happened. He left drunk without me and ended up passed out on the sidewalk. I told everyone that Aubrey was passed out drunk somewhere and we needed to go find him. I was absolutely, positively correct.
I didn't have my glasses on at the time, but all I saw was a flashlight on something in the middle of the road a few hundred yards down. Yep, it was Aubrey, lying passed out on a fucking tree that he was trying to drag up to the yard to use for the fire. He was wearing a grey sweater, so all I saw was his arms and his head. It kinda creeped me out because it reminded me about that scene in E.T when E.T. was sick and lying in that creek calling, "Elliot, Elliot..." I was like HOLY FUCK and ontop of that, someone in a Jeep Cherokee drove up and came to a complete stop, got out, and yelled something about calling the cops. People drive down that residential street going like 50 when they are actually suppose to drive at a fucking residential speed of only 25. So, saying that, Aubrey almost got ran the fuck over. All in all, Aubrey was brought back to the house.
While trying to pull out the couch bed (or whatever you call it), Aubrey was sitting behind me in a chair. My back was turned and all I heard was that all too familiar grumbling sound coming from the belly of a person full of Jack, beer, and champagne. OMG. BLLLALLAAAHHHHHH!!! all over the fucking floor. BLLLAHHAHAHHAAAA!! BLLLALALAAHHHHH!!!! Thank goodness Jim and Rachel have ceramic-tiled floors. OMG the smell. We had eaten eggplant parmasean a few hours before. OMG. Acidic-smelling Italian food. Fucking yum. Jim took his industrial-sized mop bucket and mopped that shit up as I followed Aubrey into the bathroom and sat in there for like an hour rubbing his back while he shat on the toilet (yes, the "politically incorrect" past-tense form of "shit") while he continued to puke in the bathtub. It's funny (queer, strange, weird) that I had that dream about those worm things coming out of my monkey dick and when Aubrey puked one time, I went to wipe his mouth and two noodles from dinner were kinda stuck to his mouth. It reminded me so much of the dream that when I think about it now, I never want to eat spaghetti again. At least you only have to imagine it...I dreamt something like it, if not worse, then experienced a likeness in reality within the first hour of the new year. Yay me.
This morning he couldn't hold down water and slept most of the day. He was awake for the ride home, but we didn't say a word to each other. This doesn't necessarily mean that the incident the night before had anything to do with our silence; we just need some fucking peace and quiet. We got more when we both got home. I sat here and told others about my experience and Aubrey slept on the couch without any kind of noise except my occasional striking of the keyboard.
We settled our small difference - yes, we both concurred that the situation was both small and inapparent to be so upset at each other for something that we could both work on together (damn, I just said the word "both" in the same sentence three times). I told him that I never knew that he was so hurt until last night. I told him that I would try to be more supportive of him, since he IS like my dad... whenever I asked my father a question, he went all over the universe picking up shit that had nothing to do with what I asked him. Aubrey may talk forever, but he always gives me the answer that I was looking for.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Monkeys are special.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
On our way to the mall Aubrey beat this dude in a Mustang with his Suzuki. Dude in the Mustang even had a head start. Then the dude in the Mustang turned into a dude in an Explorer and he was shouting something at us in what we thought was Italian, we're not sure. It confused the hell out of us. I think he was also throwing up gang signs.
The apartment took me like 6 hours to clean cause we had shit from Christmas that I had to find a place for. Some shit is going to the salvation army. Aubrey has so many clothes, we're going to have to replace the closet rod AGAIN. His mom works at Parisian's.
Aubrey was going to buy me a dress for my birthday but all they had was CRAP and I let everyone in that store know. We ran into Choya and he said that he and his lady friend were engaged. I told him that I forget that I'm married sometimes (that's a good thing).
Friday, December 16, 2005
Make your own cartoon!
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Yep. THAT's what I think about my damn history exam tomorrow. I'm just going to have to bullshit through it because I don't know SHIT about no god damn Byzantine Empire or no god damn Pelopppppenennnnsian War (there were 3 phases BTW) however the fuck you spell it... all I know is some shit about Hitler and Rasputin because that's all I remember from god damn history 102. But this isn't 102, this is 101... like I'm pose to memorize from 2500 B.C. to some god damn 1550 A.D. Fuck that shit. Yeah, Martin Luther was one kick ass dude, but I'm not going to go god damn gaga over it. My shit is Literature. That's right... mostly shit that's made up that represents shit that's not made up. Do you think that barf was made up? Yes, it's all into your god damn imagination. So, there. I stated my point.
So? How would you feel if you were told you masturbate, but instead had to learn everything there is to know about Ahmad al Ya'qubi? Yeah, that's what I mean. Fuck that shit. I'll stick to shit I'm interested in. Yeah, I know history has to do with humanities, but fuck memorizing everything about some god damn Emperor Justinian. And what the fuck is the Treaty of Verdum? Who fucking gives a shit?
Capetian Dynasty, Dominic de Guzman, Desiderius Erasmus? I mean GOD! I spend a really long time putting together a fucking research paper about the Ka'bah and I get a god damn 80 on it. That's not the point, but HOW IN THE FUCK am I suppose to find time to study the chronological order of EVERYTHING history before the year 1550? Plus, the class that kick's fuckin ass to me right now is American Literature. I spent 1 1/2 days on my last essay. Where in the hell am I gonna find time to study 5000000 0 0 00 0 00 ,0000000 years worth of history? Let me just pull it out of my ass. I bet it would come out as easily as that barf came out of whoeverthefuck's stomach.
Eh... I'll just stop entertaining myself and go to bed. I'm going to go to that exam tomorrow, and write down everything I can, but SHIT... I mean! GOD DAMN!
I painted something for Heather today :">. I hope she likes it. Yep, that's what I did with my studying time. What would you do? I'd fuck off if I were you. Fuck it. Aubrey's asleep on the couch. That's why he's not in the picture above. Yeah.. he works 12 hours a day while I get to rack my brains. I LOVE YOU AUBREY!!!! We both rack our brains for the good of mankind. WTF?
Aubrey needs to go to the bar with me the next time. I'm getting fucking tired of these dudes that come up to me and offer me a hair dressing and god damn foot massage and paid-for drinks at Sammy T's. Do they not have enough sense to look at the lady's left hand for a damn wedding ring? DUMBASSES!!! Have some damn common sense. I mean, you seem like you have your speech down and everything...you'd think you would have done this kind of thing before.
Ah, shit. All three of us wear glasses. HAHAHAAA!! DORKS!
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Violence Jack Off.
I totally forgot about this site! I hope they take-a mista cod.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Someone from Toney, AL?
BTW, MEATBAG told me that the U.F.O. video was a commercial for SciFi. Here are LETTERS written to the actress in the helicopter. Meatbag owes me two really hard slaps in the face. Bugger.
I just found out today that I'm on the Dean's list!!! HIP HIP WHORE-AYE!!!
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Aliens are Among Us
Are you saying that you DON'T believe in UFO's? I agree that most videos are crap, but if you think that THIS is a hoax, then you can slap me in the face. Really hard. Twice. HERE is the video without all the news crap on it, but you don't get all that slow motion. If you still don't believe me, ASK E.T.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Makin' babies with daddy.
We had a blast at Thanksgiving! Aubrey's dad is very against alcohol but we drank anyway while he sat over there with his sparkling grape juice or wetf you call it. All seventeen of us sat around the table and talked about different stuff. I couldn't hear what the adults were saying because it was so fucking loud. We kids talked about high school teachers and Jim talked about poop. At the table. Myla bit the inside of her cheek twice and said that it was very "crunchy". I told my mom that we needed little monkeys running around. Aubrey and I need to make some fuckin babies fast before everyone is too old to even pay any attention. One might get a finger cut off while the other is doing the cutting. Yep... everyone except Stacy (14) and Neal (20) was over the age of 21. Ok. 23.
Monday, November 21, 2005
I Missed Class Today (The Courtyard)
Cliff and I went to this lady's house to kill her husband. I had been to this house before, except it was alittle different. The courtyard was beautiful! Cemented lions and fountains and a large pool right in the center.
This lady was deathly afraid of her husband. I believe he abused the crap out of her, never came home from work... whatever. So, that's when Cliff decided to take action, except, I was dragged into the whole deal. I really didn't want to kill this man because I didn't know the situation entirely and I had just met the lady! I didn't even know her name! All I knew is that she had the most beautiful courtyard I had ever seen.
Cliff and I decided to stay and wait for this lady's husband to get home. We walked through the large double-doors that were facing the pool and those eerie cemented lion-heads. The house was empty. At least it seemed that way. The nameless lady was upstairs or hiding somewhere amongst that huge house. We went inside to look for her.
Cliff was walking through the kitchen calling "Lady? Lady? We're here!", when all of a sudden I hear a noise coming from the courtyard. I turn around and I see the hood of the husband's Mercedes. I whisper (loudly) to Cliff.
"He's outside! He just pulled up in the driveway!"
Cliff turns the corner with gun in hand, opens the large doors, and confronts the man with the .357 . Somehow, I end up with a gun. The man comes walking towards me and I shoot him right in the neck. He immediately falls to the ground. I'm sure that I've permanently disabled him. Blood is gurgling out of his neck and he's holding it with his hands.
"Why have you done this?", he asked. "I don't know you people...". He's still holding his neck with his hand trying to keep the blood inside.
I just looked at him with complete confusion. I don't know why I was there. I just... was. I was just as confused as he was.
While his blood quickly gushed through his fingers, he slowly began crawling towards me, trying to grab my gun. We play tug-of-war and I finally had to give it up, for even though he was dying, he was still stronger than I was. He points the gun towards me and fires. Luckily, I had grabbed the gun just in time of his weakening state as the bullet flew into the opposite direction. The barrel was wet with the red juice and I imagined it to be quite impossible for me to manage grabbing the death stick before the bullet came from the gun and into my face.
As the man was slowly being taken by death's unimaginable melody, Cliff and I walked to the car, waved the beautiful courtyard with the eerie lion heads and glistening watery fountains an unreturnable goodbye, and drove away.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Uh oh, who let the alligator out?
Oh, well. Pffft...WHATEVER!
Friday, November 18, 2005
9 Point (and then some)
What's funny is sometimes he'll come to class with a doe or buck lying in the back of his truck (with a tarp over it, of course). I guess he goes and hunts, comes to teach, then he goes home and cuts the shit up. I've eaten on one of his does before. It was good, but I couldn't eat another helping because I knew that I was eating a deer...something I wasn't exactly raised on. This isn't the best of Cliff's attire, either. He'll go teach class in green jeans, white socks with sandles, an old t-shirt, and suspenders... and that DAMN HAT!
Here's some other pics that Cliff has sent me. I don't know if he knows someone who's dog was in this predicament, but he sent a series of two, so they look pretty authentic coming directly from him. I sent them to crazyshit.com so I'm going to see if they actually post them.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Radical or no Radical, that is the question.
I'm doing my research paper, which is worth 25% of my grade, on the Hajj, the Muslim pilgrimage, that takes place once a year. I have been struggling with this topic because at first, it was a very broad topic, considering all the books I had found at the library were like 200 pages. How am I going to read all of that crap in a couple of weeks AND do my other classwork for history AND the other classes? I decided to go straight to the source, the Islamic Center in Huntsville, AKA The Mosque. I wanted to speak directly to an Imam, or the person that leads everyone in prayer. Since there is no heirarchy in the Islamic religion, the Imam is the closest thing you would get to an Islamic "priest". I called the Islamic Center and spoke with a woman that would look in their library for a book about the Hajj. She told me that she would find me a smaller book and I told her that would be just perfect. She called me back and told me that she found a children's book. I was like, "THAT'S GREAT! That's what I need, something short and to the point."
I drove to the Center and :P didn't think about it, but upon entering, I believe I was suppose to have my head covered, since it WAS the mosque. OOPS. Some dude came up to me and was like, "Uh... can I help you?" I was thinking, "OH, SHIT! I forgot to cover my head and this dude KNOWS I'm not really pose to be here for prayer or anything." I told him that there was a book that this lady was holding for me and I've come to get it. Well, anyway, I got to take a short tour of the mosque. I believe it was lunch time for the kids because they were all in the cafeteria eating. I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable and in unfamiliar territory. Oh, well, I'm sure they knew I didn't know any better. I mean, the lady on the phone didn't tell me to cover my head or anything. Whatever! When I return the book, I'll wear my hoodie.
Anyway, this is what I learned upon doing research...I'll try to keep it short and simple.
This is Mecca, the first place the Hajji, or "pilgrim" travels to. Muslims come from all over the world to join in the Hajj. Every Muslim must take the Hajj at least once in their lifetime. The only people that don't have to go are people that can not afford to, are too old, or have a physical handicap. I've seen people in wheelchairs, so some of those people go anyway. This is because back before there were planes, trains, and automobiles, these people had to walk or ride camels, sometimes taking years to arrive.
Yes, those are people. Approximately one million people can fit inside the walls of the mosque. You can't see it, but there are thousands more people outside waiting to get in.
This is the Ka'bah, or "House of God", of which is mentioned in the Holy Qu'ran. Ka'bah in Arabic means "cube". The Ka'bah is used as a focal point for which all Muslims pray towards five times a day. This Ka'bah is said to have been built by Adam, later destroyed, then rebuilt by Abraham and his son, Ismail. You may have read a little about Ismail in the Bible. Ismail is the half-brother of Isaac, and the son of Abraham and his hand-maiden, Hagar. For some weird reason, Sarah said that she was too old to bare any more children, so she told Abraham to go do it with Hagar, and BAM! there was Ismail.
What is strange is that the Old Testament tells of Sarah, or course, bearing Isaac, then getting jealous of Ismail and Hagar, so she told Abraham to lead them out somewhere and leave them. God tells Abraham to lead them out into the desert and not to worry, they will be taken care of and He will make Ismail a great nation. It says that. Really. But in the Old Testament, the story ends here. In the Holy Qu'ran, it tells that while Hagar was left with her infant child, Ismail, in the desert, she became frightened because there was no one around and no water for her baby. She ran between two small hills, Marwa and Safa (?), looking for either someone to help her, or for some water. When no water was to be found, she's like, "Please, God, help me, my baby's thirsty", or something, so God answered her prayers and sprang forth a spring. This spring is called Zamzam, which means "to rush out" in Arabic. Anyway, she and her baby were saved.
I will tell you the differences between the story told of Isaac and Ismail that just might be the center of all disputes between Christians and Muslims. And maybe Jews, too, since they go by the Old Testament, also. Yeah, it gets pretty weird.
To Be Continued....
Thursday, November 10, 2005
UGHHHHH!!!! I totally never miss class! I'm out of gas, Aubrey took the motorcycle and left his car which is probably FULL of fucking gas, but I can't find his keys ANYWHERE. He probably has all his keys on one keyring. He's gonna get it when he gets home. I'm shoving those keys right up his keyhole. Hmmmm.... probably won't exactly turn him on.
He just got me a new credit card. I can't use it because his is maxed-out (I'm on his account). WTF could he spend $500 on? Gas. Yep, gas. I'm starting a revolt. REVOLT! REVOLT! Eh... people won't do that because they'll be afraid losing something... like they're damn SUV. If you have an SUV... get rid of it and buy a Suzuki. It gets 35mi./gal. I know, I know. They probably attract the ladies, huh. Not if you're going to be spending all your date money on picking her up.
That just reminded me of something that happened to me a couple of weekends ago. I was going down the highway, minding my own business, and this dude totally freaked me out by honking at me. I turned to look and he stuck his tongue out and wiggled it at me. GROSS. He was driving a van fit for ten, probably had a wife, and probably had ten kids. Why the fuck would a dude have a van if he didn't have kids? He wasn't Mexican, either. Nasty fucker. I flashed him my ring and he left me alone. Probably thought I was giving him the finger, which would have made more sense to him, anyway.
I took pics of Aubrey in the tub. As I was getting the camera, be covered his weenie with bubbles because he knew that I would post them. So, I didn't take any pics of him waist-down... what would be the damn point? Don't pay attention to the dirty tub. I usually clean it once a week, but I haven't had time. You're probably thinking of why I'm not cleaning it now. Dammit! I just don't want to!Since I took them anyway, I might-as-well post them. And why do I have to be so damn technical at writing. It's just a damn blog! I AM changing my major to English. Damn good jobs out there. Besides, painting class is pissing me the fuck off. I have tons of brushes and I remember that just one of them costed me fucking fifteen dollars. I don't even use the bitch.
AND DAMMIT! Why are those fuckers upstairs always fighting about? Creak Creak CREAK across the shittin' ceiling all fucking day long.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
God, the Devil, and Crayons.
Heather (my American Literature instructor),
Do you remember me telling you about those fucked up dreams I have where I'm waking up and then I wake up, and then I think I wake up and then finally, I really wake up, but no, I don't... :P but anyway, I just found out what really happens in between all that.
I went to bed around 11pm. Finally, I fell asleep around 11:30 or so, or thought I did... or you know what I mean.
I kept waking up thinking that these aliens were after me, the grey ones that I hate with the big heads and the big black eyes. I kept feeling them holding my hands and rubbing my leg, but I think it was really Aubrey in real life. I finally "woke up" and went into the living room and yelled at the aliens, "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" and then I went back to the bedroom and and the window was open and I felt like they were outside of my window so I poked my head out and was like, "GOOOOO AWAY!"...
There was this dog outside standing by the stairwell. At first I thought it was an alien. When I realized it was a dog, I was like, "Come here pooch..." and it came over and it jumped in the window. Aubrey immediately woke up and chased the dog into the living room and it just stood there staring at us. I thought it was the devil. It finally darted back inot the bedroom and out the window. I taunted it a second tima (Monty Python hee hee) and it came running into the window and I closed it on it's nose. The devil's nose. I closed the window on the devil's nose. OKAY.
I go back into the living room and Aubrey's brother's drums and guitars and all that mess was in the living room. I was like, "How long is THIS CRAP gonna be here"? Apparently, Aubrey's brother was staying with us for a while.
Then, something funny came over me. I thought, "You know, this stuff better not be here when I wake up in the morning. God would be playing an evil trick on me if I woke up and my life was different (somewhere there I knew that I was dreaming and knew that if this was not a real dream, the stuff would be gone). Confusing, I know.
I "woke up" the next morning and BOOM!!! there's the shit. Drums, guitars, whatever. AUBREY is dressed like a hippie and goes over to play the drums. I'm like OMG... this is real. this is really real. God know that I thought I needed a change in my life and this is it. He knew that I was getting tired (of school) and this is my new life. But, there were a few catches.
Aubrey had a girlfriend. She was this blonde curkly-haired bimbo and she smoke Basic Menthols, except the pack wasn't green, it was blue. I remember thinking about how peculiar THAT was. She offers me a cigarette, gets one for herself, I take it and BREAK IT, and then give it back to her. Then I feel bad and smoke the broken one. I'm like "HAHA GOD! This is funny! Now put me back where I was!" It didn't end there. It just got weirder.
I wish I had a camera with special effects because this next "scene" would have been great for a movie...
All of a sudden, it was bright day, the light brightened a thousand times, and the living room widened. There were windows, windows, windows, DOOR. I looked in the corner of my eye and there was an ALIEN HEAD in the door. I couldn't make out any details because it was that kind of glass in the door that makes everything "fuzzy". I started screaming at the top of my lungs, "ALIEN! ALIEN!!!" Aubrey disappeared, and that girl had also vanished.
It was just me and Jabba the Hut (at the door), some other Star Wars characters, and a whole house full of aliens from, you guess it, STAR WARS. I HATE Star Wars! I couldn't speak their language but they still thought I was funny, anyway. I saluted Jabba because I felt like if I didn't, he would shoot me or eat me or something. He laughed at me with that gurgling, jiggling laugh he gives. I still didn't understand what everyone was saying.
I sat down in this chair and this red dude that spoke in a Scottish accent like Sean Connery was talking to me about the aliens that were coming in the door. I can't remember what he said because i was too busy paying attention to the back of his flat head and his braid. He was red all over...like the devil. yeah, the devil with a Sean Connery accent. Sexy. I kinda liked him, also, even though he was red, ugly, and had a flat head, oh yeah, and he was probably... THE DEVIL!!! AHHHH!!!!
That was the end of Act II. Here comes the weird part. I just knew that all this stuff was REAL. I was like, "THIS IS REAL... GOD HAS PLACED ME HERE TO SUFFER FROM MY OWN WISHES OF MAKING SCHOOL GO AWAY...".
All of a sudden, I'm in this town. I don't know what town I'm in. Apparently, I had been gone for a long time and just "happened" to return. Some people I had met in real life, but didn't remember me, such as Jaime, my and Aubrey's old roommate back when we first started dating.
I was in Red Lobster, Aubrey job at the time of our first meeting. I was looknig for him. Everyone knew who he was and they knew WHERE he was, but now one would tell me. I was walking around frantically and didn't recognize anyone. For some reason, I asked one girl if Jaime was around because Jaime would know where Aubrey was. She told me that Jaime was sitting "right over there". I was appauled to see him! After I put my cigarette out, I walked over and sat next to him. He was wearing this floppy-eared dog costume. "Danielle!", he exclaimed. What was weird was that he hadn't actually met me, but he knew who I was. "Wow, you're so beautiful", he said, and leaned over to kiss me.
Jaime has naturally big lips and nice ones, like Aubrey. It must be a Killen thing. Anyway, Jaime kisses me and this long, skinny tongue is forced into my mouth. I pretend to like it long enought to think maybe this isn't a great idea and "DAMN! You're a bad kisser!!!"... and a slimy kisser, too.
I stopped kissing him, pushed him away, and turned around. Aubrey and my sister, Rachel, were sitting right behind us the entire time. Aubrey was "dating" or "married" to Rachel. He had two distinct tear drops forming within the corners of his eyes. The situation fast-forwarded and I asked, "WHY aren't you talking to me? Why won't you talk to me? (And why are you dating my sister...). He said, just as his father would say, "People ought to not talk about things like that...". That was creepy.
Aubrey and Rachel left. By the way, Rachel wasn't saying a word to me either, as if she stopped associating with me a long time ago. I chased them both out the door. There was this family leaving out the door infront of me and their kids were screaming and yelling and crying. UGH... I was like, "HEY! Could these kids be any more annoying???" and this one little girl that was right infront of me turned around and just WAILED right in my fucking ear. "HAHA!", I said, when her father turned to see what had happened, "That was so funny... :-|".
I finally met Aubrey and Rachel outside of Red Lobster. It wasn't a typical restaurant-parking-lot environment. It was more like the place between a school building and it's cafeteria. Kind of a "courtyard". I kept following Aubrey around and asking him over and over again, "Why aren't you talking to me???". He just kept walking around him circles with Rachel, who was in a wheelchair and had crayons stuck in her hair. (Aubrey later said after I woke him up in real life that she must've smoked herself silly). He just wouldn't say anything and I believe that my sister wasn't talking because she was retarded or something, I have no idea. The whole time I was thinking, "GOD! PLEASE TAKE ME BACK TO MY REAL HOME!!! PLEASE!!!!
All I wanted to do was to go back to where I came from and for some reason I knew that I had gotten what I deserved. No husband, no sister, no friends, no family, and crazy, annoying kids running around in restaurants.
And then... I WOKE UP!!! For real, this time. I started crying and the REAL AUBREY woke up and asked me what was the matter. I told him. He was half asleep, but he told me that it was only a dream. Ugh... typical. I told him that I didn't know that I was capable of having these "philisophical" dreams that actually had a moral or meaning behind it. Ugh... I hate my brain sometimes.
All I know is that I was very happy to wake up in my REAL home next to my REAL Aubrey. I didn't have to worry about him dating my sister and her being in a wheelchair with crayons stuck in her hair.
BTW, that dream only lasted at least an hour and a half. I woke up at 1:15 and I'm still up...
Thursday, November 03, 2005
It's somebody's birthday
I have a few more pics from Halloween. This is Ariel dressed in her bad ass sexy as hell Arab genie costume. We went to her parent's house to trick-or-treat with all the kids in the neighborhood. I've never seen so many kids walking up and down the street on Halloween! I know where I'm going to take my kids trick-or-treating when I have some.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
I can't wait to surf the blogs to see what kind of Halloween stories everyone has! I have so many pictures! I don't really have much to talk about...This is the second time I've been to a bar for Halloween because everywhere else charged $20 to get in. I spent Wednesday, Saturday, and Monday night at Freddy's. Halloween is Freddy's favorite holiday, so he was going to make the most of it.
Besides my first limo ride and all the great costumes, I had a great time. Halloween ended like any Halloween should... I'll have to get that pic from Brian. Carrie said that she's never been rolling before, so I'll have to take her some night.
Here are the best selections of my pics... just let them tell the story... :P
October 29, 2005.
Notice the hand print on her right cheek...
October 31, 2005.
Ron Jeremy won the costume contest... go figure. Wednesday night, a lady pimp won. Why does it always have to be sex with you people?!
Saving the best for last... My Favorite pic in the whole bunch...
Since all of you couldn't FUCKING WAIT... I might have to come back tomorrow and fill in some spaces... but why the fuck do you need to know who any of these people are...Sorry it took so long..my internet has been fucking with me all day...